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How to become a Yogi Mystic Guru

How to become a Yogi Mystic Guru

How to Become a Successful Yogi Mystic Guru Like Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev.(Satire)

Follow our easy 10-step guide to create your very own feel-good cult with dreamy eyed followers fainting over you! Success guaranteed! (See notice at the bottom of article)

1-Grow a long beard. It always seems to have a strange effect on people. (Jaggi has one, but also Santa Claus and even El Sayed Hassan Nassrallah!)

2-Be an eloquent master. Act and talk like you know what you’re talking about. Also talk in a calm, deep and low voice.

3- Say “isn’t it?”at the end of every sentence. You can sometimes vary a bit with “isn’t it so?”

4-Use abstract terms and ideas like Transcendent Bliss, Karaketcha, Consciousness, Karma, Enlightenment etc…

5-Make sure you seed the audience with enough of your undercover devotees that are known to procure all the needed psychodrama. (This is only critical at the beginning of your career, since pretty soon the system becomes auto-sufficient and delusional adepts will pop up by themselves!)

6-Anyone who questions you should feel wrong, misguided, and unenlightened. They just don’t get it! And if you happen to have done something bad in your past (like kill your wife or something) make sure to cover it up real good.

7- Destabilize your listeners… by saying something and its opposite, for example. Also tell a few silly jokes from time to time (you always wanted to be a standup comedian anyway).

8- Marketing and advertising schemes are your best friends. From banners on the sides of buses in San Francisco to billboards in the streets of Beirut, you must do it all! Also travel where the customers are, don’t just wait for them to come to you!

9- Absolute secrecy is required to ensure fresh meat will arrive and pay for your programs. No member is to divulge the “secret” kriyas to non-members (warn of health side effects if they do!).

10- Charge 180$ per person (3al rass) for the program. Naturally!

WARNING: Whatever you do, always fight the temptation to try out what you preach! Please note that no official guarantees are given herein, and we are not liable for any misfortune you might encounter by following our guide. No animals were hurt doing the writing of this article. Good luck!

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